guestbook 9:25 p.m. 9:48 a.m. 6:02 p.m. i only got to ride my bike eight miles today. boo! but you see, i want to get to mittens' house asap. 5:59 p.m. 9:40 p.m. 8:17 p.m. i smell horrid right now. i'm glad mittens isn't around. for some reason, i really start to smell bad when it's humid. it's so strange to me. tomorrow i get to go see mittens! finally. it seems like it's been forever. we're going to take the lava lamps i mistakenly bought back to target and exchange them for the reno 911 third season dvd. what the fuck is with that "disco duck" song? can someone explain that to me? i guess it's sort of like the thong song or the macarena. also, i'm not sure what the difference is between a g-string and a thong. i realized that while i was shopping on line a couple of days ago. 6:35 p.m. 4:10 p.m. 4:05 p.m. tonight i will eat steak and watch "so you think you can dance." or maybe i'll just go to sleepy. last night i got into the bed at 8:00. it was heaven! this entry might be the lamest entry ever. sorry. 4:57 p.m. i need to raise my bike seat some more. the fronts of my knees still hurt. 4:55 p.m. we had a great storm today. lots of thunder and lightening. i like the thunder that booms. i don't like the thunder that sounds like crashing sheet metal. 8:57 p.m. 8:56 p.m. 8:12 p.m. 7:16 p.m. 3:56 p.m. 3:54 p.m. "by the way, you don't need to lose weight, i do." 3:47 p.m. thanks sarah! 9:53 p.m. 3:25 p.m. also, it has come to my attention from all the concerts mittens and i have been going to that people are really concerned about their hearing. i wonder how many of those people listen to their too loud ipods with the earphones in their ears all day. there's an intervention marathon on a&e. don't you just love that show!? 5:14 p.m. anyway, i've always felt so sorry for the men in those stories. imagine thinking that's what you have to be like to be a man. also, does anyone else just totally hate "wacky" people? 4:38 p.m. my new wallet was supposed to come in the mail today. but ups tried to deliver it at 10:15 am. who is home to get a package at 10:15 am? i thought as i was walking out, "maybe i should leave a note for ups to leave the package, but no, i'll get home in time." and then i wasn't. the problem is that i'm using a zipper bag for my money and stuff. mittens doesn't really like it. 8:49 p.m. today, i'm downloading an episode of on point with tom ashbrook that's an interview with the editor of the new encyclopedia of american conservatism. he says thomas jefferson is in, anne coultre out. i'm also downloading on the media. i love that show. i wish they'd get the infinite mind. i love that show also. i hope this thing of having my bike seat raised with be nice. the extra stretch seems like it might be pleasent. 8:05 p.m. i raised my bike seat a little. i can't wait to see how it feels. 8:28 p.m. 3:34 p.m. 3:33 p.m. 3:29 p.m. 12:01 p.m. i'm also going to finally get my bracelet fixed. yes! 10:05 p.m. i didn't get to ride 15.2 miles today or whatever because of the wind. i did still ride 10.4 miles. 9:12 p.m. 8:57 p.m. now i'm going to go sit out on my back porch and smoke pot and look up at the sky. i wish it would stop fucking raining here. just for a couple of weeks. i heard on the news that we've gotten more rain since the beginning of may than we usually get from the beginning of january. and it was early june when i heard that. i remember when i moved to maryland it rained everyday for about the first two months. but how i miss those oklahoma rains. the thunder and the way you can see them off in the distance for miles and miles and miles. it's sort of like that here, because i live so close to the ocean. but nothing is like the ones in oklahoma. i wish it would stop now so i can go get the car washed in the drive through. for some reason, my antenna has been going down a little more often. i think it's fair we can rule out rain as one of the reasons. 6:24 p.m. 10:20 a.m. i think i'm going to go buy a couple of pairs of pants and some shirts today. because i DID work hard this year. and i DID put in a lot of extra hours to get that bonus. later this summer, i'm going to buy a sewing machine. OR maybe i should buy just one pants and one shirt and a sewing machine. or not. i don't want to make even more of a mess of the house. i'll keep dreaming. let me tell you, people here are like crazy with the fireworks. for the past week all i've heard is "pow, pow, bang." it's obnoxious. even during the day that's all i've heard. 5:49 p.m. 4:23 p.m. so i think i might be growing up even more. i'm starting to shop more at ny and comp. than at hot topic. even though torrid has great work clothes, i love the knit fabric for the pants and shirts at ny and comp. they only thing that's bad about ny and comp. is that they don't sell online. which means i have to go to THE MALL. the mall is a terrifying experience for me. all those kids. digging through mountians of smalls and mediums to find a rare extra large (i like to think they is because many people are buying larges and extra larges rather than stores ordering lots of smalls and mediums so they'll have enough). men staring at me. shirts i love and can afford but don't want to spend $80 on. digging through clearance items. i also bought one of those flowers to put in my hair. i'm not sure i like how it looks, though. 6:28 p.m. and when i meet people now and they ask me what i do, i tell them, i'm a teacher. which feels kind of strange. i think, because most of the people i know are either a: administrative assistants or something similar, or b: working at whatever job they can find. but man, i went to school, i learned how to do a specific job and that's what i do. isn't that funny? 4:35 p.m. i also got a new issue of star magazine. i need to pick up the living room and kitchen and eat something so i can sit down and look at it. i'm dying to know who's too thin. i rode 10.4 miles again. i wanted to try for 13, but i was so tired (it had only been about 20 hours since my last ride) and there was a horrible smell from the waste water plant. probably i won't be able to do it tomorrow either. well, maybe if i go late enough in the day. like around 4. saturday i won't ride. sunday mittens will be out of town, so i'm going to try for 15.6 miles. i'll be well rested. i can't believe i'm going to be riding 15.6 miles. support me on this people! 4:35 p.m. i also got a new issue of star magazine. i need to pick up the living room and kitchen and eat something so i can sit down and look at it. i'm dying to know who's too thin. i rode 10.4 miles again. i wanted to try for 13, but i was so tired (it had only been about 20 hours since my last ride) and there was a horrible smell from the waste water plant. probably i won't be able to do it tomorrow either. well, maybe if i go late enough in the day. like around 4. saturday i won't ride. sunday mittens will be out of town, so i'm going to try for 15.6 miles. i'll be well rested. i can't believe i'm going to be riding 15.6 miles. support me on this people! 4:25 p.m. 10:47 a.m. 11:09 p.m. 11:05 p.m. or like janis joplin. or wendy o. williams. but not joan jet so much. i've always found her very manufactured. did i spell that right? 11:03 p.m. 10:48 p.m. 8:25 p.m. 5:13 p.m. 3:52 p.m. 3:13 p.m. 1:57 p.m. okay, here's what's up. monday morning i woke up and wondered. i had kind of a burning sensation, but i didn't think much about it. then tuesday, it was a little worse, but not too much. then today, a little worse still. so i said to mittens this morning, "i think i have a yeast infection." he ughed me. so i stopped by cvs to get the "monistat night or day" because i have stuff to do. and i'm burning. and i'm in a hurry to get this dealt with so i can do it with my boyfriend. plus, having only one application is awesome. the only thing that sucks about this is the prix (here meaning price, not prize). as i looked for the box that said "for use anytime," or something similar, i noticed the prices. i knew mine would be at a higher price, like maybe $15. i looked at the $15 area and found the one day treatments of the store brand or the three day treatments of the name brands. then, i looked down, just to see. and here's what i found: you can get the the seven day store brand treatment for $8. my treatment was $21. so what? poor people aren't as entitled as i am to have immediate yeast infection relief? if anything, i'd imagine they should be more entitled to speedy relief as they've probably waited longer and endured more pain. plus, this shit is pricey. eight bucks is a fortune when you're poor. i know because an old boyfriend and i once spent our last $12 on one of these treatments (when they were even more expensive) which meant we had to eat roman noodles instead of eggs and potatos for the next 11 meals until our paychecks. doesn't everyone else believe all hygiene products should be free? i'm not talking about that bob barker shit they give people in jail. i'm talking about good quality stuff. nobody should have to walk around smelling or dirty or with unclean clothes because they couldn't afford the soaps. i remember as a child having to use shampoo to clean our laundry because we couldn't afford laundry soap. how i hated it that my clothes never smelled good after that. i told mittens that i wasn't going to be able to ride my bike today because of the itching and burning. do you think that was wrong of me to do? he never wrote back to that email. 8:54 p.m. the hair stylist told me that if i'd make my hair taller, i'd look thinner. do you think that's true? and why the fuck would you say that to someone without them asking what they could do to look thinner. i'm actually quite happy with my round face. i'd like to know if there's something i can do about my double chin that no matter what i do i can't get rid of. 6:02 p.m. 4:22 p.m. 4:20 p.m. 4:17 p.m. 4:09 p.m. should i get up and do a THIRD sinkful of dishes? or shoudl i lie down and take a nap so i can ride my bike later? 1:41 p.m. it's times like that when i become frustrated with being a woman. like, it's so tempting to start to do that stuff in order to get what i want. but it makes me feel gross. and helpless. and like, i only want to be flirty with mittens. and i was wondering, in my car on the way to the salvage yard, if it was okay for me to be flirty to get the guy to help me. i realized it wasn't my problem it was the problem of the guy who wouldn't help me. i wonder if maybe we've been going about this all wrong. have we been telling women we're doing things wrong when we should be telling men they're been doing things wrong? and is it even possible for men to change? maybe it's all for nought. anyway, i got to the salvage yard and they didn't even have the part i needed to begin with. so i found a used parts store where they guy was very nice and i didn't have to be flirty at all. they won't have my part for me until tomorrow (i didn't even try to flirt my way into getting it today) but i've still got two days to get my inspection, so i'm not too worried. but! on lighter note, is anyone watching the janis dickenson modeling agency? what do you think? 10:02 p.m. 5:00 p.m. i feel just like i always did when i was growing up. like when i tried to really connect with someone, i ended up feeling like i'd done something wrong. 2:48 p.m. remember when you were a teenager and you thought that if you and your boyfriend/girlfriend were in love enough everything would work out perfect? why doesn't that happen? and why, when your in love, is the relationship so much work? why isn't everything automatically perfect when you're in love? isn't that what "in love," means? i bought the cats a new litter box. i haven't put the litter in it yet. raoul is using it as a bed. maybe i should get him a kitty bed. i need to remember to drop of my rent. 12:27 p.m. 1:12 a.m. 3:23 p.m. 3:21 p.m. 1:19 p.m. when i talked to my dad on father's day, he told me he and my step mother are getting married again. this will be the third time. he also apoligized for passing the genes for depression, alcoholism and obesity to me. thanks dad. 7:42 a.m. 10:48 p.m. 10:26 p.m. that thing of a cool towel on my sunburn. who invented that? oh, wait, i did. i'm a genie. 10:11 p.m. 7:46 p.m. also, at #3, who has the best hollywood tan? 7:44 p.m. 6:05 p.m. i also got really sunburned. ouch! i need to make sure i get my back sprayed well from now on! it's not so bad, though. a wet towel keeps it cool. ahhhh. so the guy across the street is crazy. and my landlord is a little hard to understand. i think he was telling me that the reason there are four cones lined up at the end of the block is because the crazy guy across the street put them there to stop people from cutting through our 'hood to avoid the beach traffic. usually, people just drive around the cones (myself included) and the guy just grumbles. 5:39 p.m. i spent an hour on the phone with david last night. i guess things have been pretty rough for him. he gave me all the news from oklahoma. how i want to go back there. if i did, i'd do all the things i'd never wanted to do before. like go to the rodeo and country. what i wouldn't give for those things. 9:22 p.m. 8:14 p.m. i can't wait to see mittens tomorrow. 5:50 p.m. 4:21 p.m. 4:19 p.m. 4:16 p.m. 1:36 p.m. it's starting to cloud up. and it might rain. i wonder if i should go for my bike ride now instead of later. i bought some of that spray on sunblock and i'm eager to try it out. i'm rather fond of my very white skin and i look silly with a tan. so maybe that's what i'll do. i'll sit out here and lazy around for about an hour. then, i'll go ride my bike. then, when i get back home, my landlord should be done with his garden work and i can come outside, smoke and lazy around some more. then tomorrow morning i'll deal with getting the insurance all switched over and tomorrow afternoon i'll go get the new windshield. then thursday morning i'll get the headlights fixed and thursday afternoon i'll go to the registry to get the new tags. then friday i'll go get the inspection in the morning. then mittens and i will lazy around for the weekend. then i'll write the english curriculum and lazy around some more until next week when jb gets here on friday. and somewhere i'll squeeze in time to finish mittens' bookshelf. i'm telling you, he has not stopped complaining for two weeks. what's wrong with him? 12:56 p.m. 5:13 p.m. 9:28 p.m. here are my new glasses and my new long hair: it actually ended up being a good thing mittens broke my glasses. i'd been having trouble seeing even with my glasses (i had a very weak prescription). it turns out i've gone from .5 in my left and .25 in my right back in september or october to 1.25 in my left eye and .5 in my right eye. i've had a hard time these first couple of days, but my depth perception is getting better and things are definately more clear. i'm just worried that i look so nerdy. tomorrow's the last day of work. i thought mittens and i were going to spend the evening together, but i heard him saying something about meeting with another friend tomorrow (even though last week he told me he'd hang out with me and even though he's going to vermont with his friend this weekend). i guess i'll stay home and put my hammock together. and he also told someone she should call me to hang out sometime. i know he's trying to help, but now i just feel like he's trying to shove me off on someone else. it just makes me feel even more alone and isolated. and i don't want anyone else to know i can't make friends. what's going to happen when she finds out the only things for me to talk about are work and my fucking cats? so now i'm stuck wondering if there's something wrong with me that i don't want friends or if there's something wrong with me that i don't have social skills or if there's something wrong with me that other people don't like me. i've been thinking about getting a third cat and naming it either pinwheel or crackers. i'd like him to be orange and stripy. 5:35 p.m. anyway, i'd given up on buying a house some time ago. this just sort of reaffirms it. at least i'm at a payment level i can afford, you know. it's not going to be easy, but it's at least do-able. i figure i can afford $225 from each paycheck. i need to stop buying clothes and taking the toll tunnel to work. the toll tunnel would save me $60/month. i've stopped getting coffee in the morning on my way to work which is saving me about $50/month. 8:49 p.m. i think my new favoriate guy on so you think you can dance is travis. and my favoriate girl is donielle. i don't much care for martha. but maybe she'll grow on me. 8:44 p.m. 8:33 p.m. 8:09 p.m. 7:55 p.m. 7:14 p.m. i'm so fucking tired tonight. i want to set up this hammock and sit in it and get high in the back yard. but i'm too tired to put the hammock frame together. can someone come up with a cute nickname for me to go by for the rest of my life. i was always jealous of my friend lucky. and that kid koko. and mittens. can someone find something cute like that for me? crackers would be good, except for the racial implications. anyone got anything good? 9:36 p.m. 9:35 p.m. 8:50 p.m. i'm dying to watch those beatles anthology dvds. but i'm scared to because they just make me think of my father and how soon he'll be gone. and i just can't deal with that. this is the last full week of work. next week, we have only monday. i'm trying to get everything all put together (assessments, report cards, etc) for the break so i can work on building the english curriculum. we'll have no english teacher this summer so we'll each be teaching a period of english. we're going to read animal farm. how much are they going to complain about that? 9:27 p.m. 3:06 p.m. 7:07 p.m. 7:04 p.m. 7:03 p.m. 6:59 p.m. 8:16 p.m. 5:32 p.m. why do the adults i work with suck? why do adults suck in general? i need to get the trash out to the curb as i have to be at mittens' house at 7:00. i'll have to leave at 6 to get there on time. the traffic on route 1 north is awful. 8:49 p.m. anyway. i'm still feeling so down, even though the sun's been out. i guess i'm just so worried about mittens. dang it, i would have liked to have recorded this short on bucky fueller for my math classes. i wonder if i can order it. how fun is it going to be for me to start learning trigonometry and calculus over the next school year. oh, please someone. make it so i won't lose mittens. 7:59 p.m. everyone needs to tell mittens to go the doctor. please. i'm already worried about my dad. i don't want to be worried about mittens. 9:04 p.m. a while back i was installing a bunch of extentions on mozilla and i couldn't change my preferences all of a sudden. so this weekend i thought, "let me uninstall those extentions and figure out which one it is." so i uninstalled them and mozilla would no longer start. now, i'm having to use firefox which is fine, i guess. i'd rather have mozilla. can someone tell me how a hair color called "chocolate" that was supposed to be very dark brown turned my roots purple. i'm supposed to be a high school principal. mittens said he didn't mind it. if he likes it, i'll keep it. even though i'm supposed to be an adult. what will i do if i lose mittens? what if he get sick and dies? he passed out in his bathroom this weekend. he says he just got up too fast and got dizzy. when i heard him fall and his brother couldn't get the door open, i tried to call 911. but i couldn't get my figures to work for me. it was like what always happens to me in my dreams. it was awful. i suddenly understood what it must be like to have lost the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. i thought about how i could go back home and be with all my old friends. but the idea of doing that sounded terrible if i couldn't have mittens there with me. he says he'll go to the doctor. i hope i can go with him. 5:42 p.m. 8:22 p.m. 9:33 p.m. 9:10 p.m. i mean, why the fuck did i lie last night when he clearly knew the truth? and then, today at lunch he asked me, "what's wrong?" and i said, "nothing." and he said, "is it really nothing?" and i mumbled something about, "no, i don't know." which was another lie because i know exactly what's wrong with me. so maybe all this time i've thought the problem was that mittens wouldn't open up to me, it's really been that i won't open up to him. but, don't you see, it's not that i won't. it's that i can't. maybe it would be good if i could get all of my anxieties and needs out in the open. but i don't want him to see my cry or to know how full of jealousy and self-hatred i am. i don't want him to know that all this time i've been blaming him for a problem that is clearly my own. what if he decides he can't deal with any of it? what if he thinks none of this is a problem even though to me, it is. 4:51 p.m. 3:55 p.m. 3:55 p.m. 3:27 p.m. 3:26 p.m. 2:56 p.m. we got some air conditioners this week, too. we put the on in mittens' house last night thanks to his brother, jeff. i was able to remember how he'd done it, so i put one in the living room here at my house. eventually, i'll put the one in the bedroom. right now, the fan is doing a fine job in there. it seems to stay 5-10 degrees cooler here in revere than in woburn where mittens live. it it weren't for the humidity i don't think i'd need an air conditioner. mittens likes to joke we each have "rules" for each other to live by. i'm going to start recording those rules. here are some i had from last weekend: no penis on my leg while making that face. no running windsheild wippers when it's not raining. here's one mittens has: no telling people what rules he has. owned. 10:01 p.m. 9:46 p.m. 9:41 p.m. 8:09 p.m. i've got to clean the house now. 7:48 p.m. 8:38 p.m. "My Malcolm [X] poster hangs next to my Pogues poster." 7:52 p.m. and guess what else. i bought a bike. but i bought the wrong kind of pump so i'll have to buy a new one. i'm going to buy air conditioners this weekend. whooot! 7:47 p.m. 2:21 p.m. okay, so i called today and they couldn't tell me why the lady had called but that the prescriptions had been sent back to me. i talked to four different people and none of them could tell me why the lady had called. they offered to fill the one prescription i didn't need filled but told me i should call my doctors about the other two. that means i have to ask two different doctors to call in prescriptions AND to leave me prescriptions to pick up while i'm waiting for the others to come in. it also means i'll have to spend extra money getting those filled and nearly $75 on them than if i had just been mailing them in. so now i've called one of the doctors and the receptionist was rude but said she'd check with the doctor about it and call me back. i'm not too worried about them as i'll not be on thier caseload in a few weeks. the other one i have an appointment with tomorrow and she's pretty generous with the samples, so i'm sure she'll make sure i have enought until i can send the prescriptions back in and get them back two weeks from now. on a good note, i think i've got cramps. it might be gas, but i think it's cramps. plus, i've been really moody and just eating, eating, eating this past week. so it would be good if i could start back on the pill next week. 12:16 p.m. 11:56 a.m. 11:14 a.m. i can't believe i really have a real, grown up job now. i think telling people i'm a teacher is the coolest thing in the world. i remember in high school, as i tried to figure out what i was going to do, thinking that being a teacher wouldn't be such a bad career. it's pretty okay if you ask me. i'm dying for a bicycle. i found this: which folds so it would fit in the back of my car. i just don 't want to pay $400 for it. though it is tempting. i told my dad to remind me the next time he asks what i would like for my birthday or christmas that i want that bike. i looked at some on ebay but they don't fold and so they won't fit in my car. i live in a pretty urban area, so there's not really a lot of places to ride it around here. maybe after i get some other stuff paid off, i'll buy it. 2:03 p.m. what is the story with this antenna? i can no longer go through drive through car washes because i never know if the antenna is going to go down. sometimes, if the opportunity exists, i'll keep the radio off when the antenna is down until i can find a drive through car wash. really, i shouldn't even be going through drive through car washes because they don't do as good a job. but sometimes, i'm so sleepy. 7:00 p.m. 9:09 p.m. 7:11 p.m. i'm pretty into this show tiera girls. there's something about pretty girls suffering that makes me so happy. 8:28 p.m. also, mittens finally switched to cingular so that now he can talk to me for free. he calls me over and over and over again. o my dad just called. my uncle died. 7:14 p.m. i have an rss feed thing for mozilla. i'm dying to use it but i don't know how. 6:35 p.m. 6:18 p.m. 9:00 p.m. 8:57 p.m. 8:55 p.m. 1. the person from wisconson who reads this everyday. i'm just nosey. i'm not being defensive or anything, just nosey. 8:41 p.m. i bought a cactus plant. i've wanted a plant for some time but they always die because i forget to water them and the cats chew them up. when i brought the cactus in, raoul checked it out and chewed on it a little, i told him to leave it alone and he did. he hasn't gone near it since. how long do you think it will be before my cactus dies? also, if you believe in time travel, you are dumb. 8:36 p.m. 9:16 p.m. i would never walk in flood water, you know. imagine how much dog shit and piss is in that stuff. anyway, i'm home, lonely and depressed about mother's day and how i can't get along with my sister so that she and i can visit my mom for 2 hours. instead, i just talked to my mom for three minutes and 37 seconds. or was it 34 seconds? i love that she acts like she's doing fine without me there even though i know she's not and need to hear that. i've had to double my mediction in the last month and i feel really down, down, down. i tried talking to my dad about my inability to make friends and he said i shouldn't think it's because people don't like me. really, they do. i just don't like them. or want to talk to them. or see them. or have them around me at all. why do i continue to think there's something wrong with that if it's what i want? after all, if i'm talking about me and what's best for me, isn't what i want out of my relationships indeed what's best for me? i keep thinking of calling in sick to work tomorrow. i should have left some lesson plans. 7:12 p.m. 7:55 p.m. 7:52 p.m. 7:50 p.m. 7:26 p.m. 6:55 p.m. 8:02 p.m. 7:44 p.m. 7:32 p.m. 7:29 p.m. he and i were talking about who was better looking: denise richards or heather locklear. i think heather locklear is better looking, but mittens likes denise richards' eyebrows. this is exciting as it means i can grow my eyebrows out and not have to wax them so often. 7:27 p.m. 5:46 p.m. my mom sent me some braum's hamburgers overnight not long ago. i'm having one now. i'd forgotten how wonderful they are. 5:41 p.m. i just got my car back from the mechanic who was very inexpensive and fast. i guess he used to work with a woman i work with's husband. he was nice and friendly and i don't think he tried to cheat me. it's nice to finally have a mechanic here. i've needed a lot of work done on my car but had been putting it off. finally, the breaks started to go out, so i had to get it done. i started making that asshole kid's life miserable. yes! 7:06 p.m. 7:02 p.m. 2:16 p.m. mittens: why don't you just cut them off? and then we had a nice kiss. secretly, i think he likes that about me. i generally do what he says (because i genuinely enjoy being bossed around by my boyfriends) but where these pants are concerned, i'm going to keep on wearing them. i wish they were full pants instead of just capris. maybe i'll tie some nice ribbons to the butts of some of my other pants. the stomping, french speaking african women from upstairs have disappeared. i guess maybe they were just the cleaning people. now, if only that girl from a few houses down would shut the hell up. mittens and i have been making out a lot lately. we didn't really get to do that a whole lot when we first met since we got to spend so little time together. it's been awesome. i hadn't realized how much more you learn about a person from making out. it'll be awesome when i can finally get back on the pill. don't you love that show "living in tvland"? *i have an alternate clothes schedule for the weekend. i put on clean clothes after finishing at the gym friday evenings around 7. i usually wear them for about 2 hours before i'm in my pajamas. then, i put the clothes from friday night back on saturday morning. on saturday, i usually bathe at about 6 and then get dressed to go to mittens' house. then, unless we go out (rare), i'm in my pajamas at about 8. sundays, i bathe at about noon and then put the saturday night clothes back on. there's nothing wrong with that schedule, is there? 5:57 p.m. 4:27 p.m. there's a little girl who screams and screams all day outside when it's warm. if i were her parent, i'd tell her to stop screaming and that if she didn't, she was going to have have to come inside for 10 minutes. then, if she screamed again, i'd take her inside for 10 minutes. if she went outside and screamed again, i would pull her back in for the night. then, i would just keep doing this over and over again until she finally shut the fuck up. eventually, i just wouldn't let her out. you see, i'm good with the negative reinforcement. won't ups ever get here with these clothes!? 9:29 p.m. 9:28 p.m. 7:20 p.m. if i still taught that shithead isaac, i would show him this picture and watch him be confused. 8:36 p.m. the girl i want to win is winning. the other girl i want to win had to go to the hospital. this show is so awesome. 8:10 p.m. 8:28 p.m. 8:25 p.m. i'm hoping this crankiness, headache and sore body is from pms. i'd really, really, really like to get back on the pill. i'm just waiting. how i hate waiting. it'd be nice to start groovin' with my boyfriend again soon. 7:42 p.m. 7:24 p.m. this morning, i did the best one of those. when the alarm went off, mittens wanted to know what time it was and said, "do you know what time it is?" i said, "yes." and went back to sleep. he had to ask me, "what time is it?" i said, "6." and i went back to sleep. 7:04 p.m. 6:26 p.m. 6:15 p.m. anyway, i need to do the dishes before he gets here. why is it so fucking cold here still? i figured that by late april, it would at least be in the upper 60s, but we've only had a few days like that. living 5 minutes from the ocean means a very strong, cool breeze. right now, the temperature is about 45 degrees. who ever heard of 45 degrees in may? 9:35 p.m. my old boyfriend used to talk in his sleep. usually he was cussing at something. i hated when he did that. i don't really like cursing in the morning. i need to go make classwork assignments for tomorrow. 9:25 p.m. 9:40 p.m. here's a list of people i should be making a greater effort to keep in touch with but can't/don't: you see, here's why i don't keep in touch with people: i'm not much of a conversationalist. like, really. i'm really only good at talking about the following: kids in jail really, who wants to hear about those things for hours and hours and hours? i'm no good at small talk and chit-chat. i like really long, engaging conversations. i can't seem to find anyone who i can have those with in person. maybe that's why i want to go back to oklahoma so much. because there, maybe i can have those things. anyway, so i was talking to my mom about me and my (heinous) sister. i warned her that i don't think anything can be done to repair that relationship. there's so much hurt on my part and so much unwillingness on my sister's part. i told my mom that the only thing that could really fix the relationship would be to go back in time, to when i was born and change everything. and then, my mom said it. the words i've been waiting to hear for years and years. she said, "jodie, i didn't know how bad that relationship was for you. i knew it was bad, but i didn't know how bad. i could tell, from the moment you were born, that there was a problem with that relationship." finally i know that my mom does know that my sister is responsible for our failed sisterhood. finally, i know that she knows that if i could, i would have had the relationship she and i both want me to have with my sister. i couldn't tell my mom that i would make an effort to have that relationship. in fact, i told her i wouldn't make that effort. i told her that after having that relationship fail over and over again, i wasn't willing to risk it again. i didn't her that even if my sister does take responsiblity for all she's done, i wouldn't believe it because my sister is malicious and ugly down to the core. instead, i'll just keep living my life like i have no sister. i'll pretend that none of that stuff ever happened to me. i'll also use my experience to better understand family dynamics amoung kids in jail. 8:57 p.m. 8:53 p.m. 8:15 p.m. 10:08 p.m. 6:24 p.m. 10:03 p.m. how can you stand anyone from texas? 9:34 p.m. mittens sent me an email today that said, "i love you." i needed that. but i'm not sure that i feel any better since i had to tell him i need that sort of stuff. woo, i need to go to bed. damn, i'm so ready to get back on the pill. 6:19 p.m. 11:22 a.m. mittens and his band are awesome. everytime he's up there and all the people are enjoying the music, i'm so excited that he's my boyfriend and that we are so in love. all those people think he's awesome and of all those people, he thinks i'm the awesomest. that must make me pretty awesome, you know. 10:49 a.m. 3:13 p.m. 11:22 p.m. 10:54 p.m. i'm worried i'm not pretty enough to be mittens' girlfriend. like, now that his band is getting sort of popular, i don't want people to think he has an ugly girlfriend, you know. i'm so thankful we are over high heel shoes and back to flats. i'm also thankful that blush is coming back in. i love my rosey cheeks. i can't wait to get back on the pill so i won't have to wax my upper lip and chin every week and so i won't have to shave my legs every day. won't that be awesome!? what will i wear to the doctor tomorrow? 9:41 p.m. 9:37 p.m. 8:02 p.m. i'm going to see mitten's band play again tomorrow night. what will i wear? when i went to see them saturday night, two strange men tried to talk to me. it doesn't help that mittens has a very, very strict no pda rule, but why do strange men always try to talk to me? why are the men who always try to talk to me so small? like, they are always short and skinny. don't they know that short, fat/phat girls like taller, phat guys with lots of tattoos and beards and tough guy images? keep away from me small, annoying men! i'm not interested in anyone other than mittens. because he lets me call him mittens. lately, i've been struggling some with mittens no pda rule. don't you think a couple should hold hands and stuff? it's so funny to me, though, because i guess for many girls, when they don't have their relationship needs met, they find someone else. but i love mittens so. there's no one else i want. that makes the whole thing doubly difficult for me because this rule goes beyond just public places. i know he loves me so much, but man, it would be nice if he told the world how awesome i am the way i tell the world about him. even if it was just once. does that make me narcissistic?
ps. i think i'm going for joanie on america's next top model. 7:18 p.m. i put my picture into one of those face recognition things. it said i look like joaquin phoenix. only i don't have a cleft palate. and i'm pretty feminine looking. but listen to this story: when i was about 7 years old, my dad's wife and i were out shopping for a new swimsuit for me. we asked the lady to direct us to them and the woman took us to the boys' swimsuits! my dad's wife, as demure as she was, patted my shoulder and said, "this is a little girl." the poor lade. then, once when i was in 7th grade we were at the airport. i asked the lady how long until we could board the plane. she said, "about 20 minutes, sir." after that, i never had that problem again. i think because i grew enormous boobs. jobeth and i were talking about the impressions people get of us. people always think i'm like she really is and that she's like i really am. isn't it funny how that always happens. there are so few people who really know either of us. i'm off work this week! it's awesome. maybe those horrible black circles around my eyes will go far away. i took my first walk of the season today. i've got these great shoes but my ankles already hurt! i'm hoping the doctor will clear me to start going to the gym after tomorrow. walking also means i'll need to need to start wearing sunblock. i've got two different kinds. one is oil free and one makes a matte finish. i'm always uncertain which to wear. the oil free makes my face extra shiny, but the matte finish makes me break out because of the oil. my body is finally feeling back to its old self. joey, i'm not dying. and i'm not avoiding your calls. i'm just a very secluded person and i don't keep in touch with many people. so maybe i am avoiding your calls, but not because i dislike you. it's because that's just how i am. i need to call david. how i miss his company on weekend nights. i hope he's been doing better than i have. the psychiatrist has doubled my anti-depressant and gave me a good long lecture about how it's nobody's business what's going on with me and how i don't have to tell anyone about it. i'm not sure if i love her or hate her. i figure, it's not like she's my therapist or anything and i only meet with her for about 10 minutes at a time, so i guess she's tolerable. she also seems like she knows what she's doing which is good. i just have to find a new general practitioner. it's time for america's next top model. after that, i'll clean the house some more. maybe i'll finally hang the curtains in the kitchen and living room. wait, i can't. the kitchen light is burned out and because of the 12 foot ceilings in my apartment (which, if i haven't mentioned it before, is a totally awesome apartment) i can't change it. i keep meaning to buy a step ladder, but i think i'll have to get mittens to climb up there to change them. first, i need to buy those lights that have the blue filter so they look like sunlight. don't you agree those are the greatest invention ever? 3:17 p.m. 3:02 p.m. 12:47 p.m. 9:48 a.m. 9:45 a.m. 8:32 p.m. that's always been the problem, you see. i've always been lonely and at the same time, i'm desparate to be close to someone. and then i remember that 99.8% of the people i meet are unreachouttoable. and the rest of the people i just push away from, like they don't matter to me at all. 12:13 7:59 p.m. 8:14 p.m. 7:47 p.m. didn't that note matter at all? have any of the notes i've left for him mattered? i keep everything he's ever given me. 11:06 11:01 7:52 a.m. we were at a chinese restaurent last night. there was a man talking so loud. his whole group was talking about hosts on the food network. that was odd because i'd spent two hours watching shows about hotdogs on the food network just yesterday afternoon. thier conversation turned to the attractive women hosts. the man said very loud, "i'd walk on my hands and knees for a mile across broken glass to smell the hubcaps of the dry cleaning truck that has her underwear." that was digusting a wholly inappropriate to say in public. maybe if he'd been joking it would have been funny. but this was gross as his wife or girlfriend or whoever was sitting next to him. also, someone said in the restaurent, "jodie. have you heard from jodie in a while?" that seems so a propos lately. 8:27 p.m. also, some of these guys i work with are assholes. today, a staff person heard a teacher say "son of a bitch." in the incident report, the staff person wrote that he didn't know the context of why it was said. instead of coming to me, the teacher's supervisor, or his boss so his boss could talk to me, this fucking guy went straight to my boss. well, any time she gets involved with anything, it ends up being a huge mess--today it resulted in a student who should have been locked down being released from the lockdown even though he cursed this teacher up and down. i'll tell you why this guy called my asshole boss, too. 'cause i yelled at him last week. i left a movie for the kids to watch "blackbeard." when i went down to the unit, the kids were watching "shrek" which means whoever had to put the tape in had to fast forward through "blackbeard," 'cause i thought the staff could handle having both those movies on the same tape. anyway, when i got down there, i was pissed and i told this guy what i thought of all of it. then, he had the balls to say he was going to write me up for telling him he needed to put the right movie on. i told him he could do that and that we were going to talk to his boss about the whole thing. i guess he ended up getting in a whole lotta trouble or something because he's been itching like a teenage boy to write up the teachers since. i even apoligized to him for yelling at him. oh, won't friday get here soon so i can curl up in bed with mittens. i hate the weeks when i don't get to see him on the weekdays. sometimes, it makes me cry. 6:22 a.m. 8:12 p.m. 7:00 p.m. 7:41 p.m. 7:39 p.m. i wish i could see mittens today. friday seems like it's so far away. can't someone make something happen so i can see him. 9:45 p.m. i hate birds that sing in the morning. i hate saying goodbye to mittens. mittens moved into a house with his brother and another guy. i'm excited for him. i bought him a desk, a chair, a couple of lamps and other small stuff he needed for the place. the house is fine and his room is great. i'll be so happy to sit in there with him for hours and hours while we watch tv and laugh and be silly. hey, remember those cat shoes i was thinking about buying last year? i finally bought a pair this weekend. mittens hates them, but i love them. i told him i'd be able to go see his band play a couple of times in april. i told him i'll wear those shoes. he wasn't very happy about that. but then he giggled and i giggled to. 7:59 a.m. 7:46 a.m. 6:59 p.m. 4:12 p.m. 7:30 p.m. i'd like to read heart of darkness again. right now i'm reading hip-hop america by nelson george. it's fabulous and i hope i'll understand it all when i'm finished. i have a hard time with hip-hop culture because it glamorizes violence so. nelson george talks about his own mixed feelings about those things. who am i going to vote for in the next election? fuck all those democrats except feingold and maybe kennedy. where's bill bradley when i need him? 7:19 a.m. 7:02 a.m. 7:54 p.m. 6:33 p.m. i haven't had any time to watch them. i was thinking tonight would be excellent for cat people and curse of the cat people, but those dvds are with mittens. instead, i'm going to watch one of those 50 horror classics. sometimes, i get so lovey-dovey about mittens and i talk so sweetly about him. but lately, with all my health problems, i'm convinced he and i will be together until one of us dies. maybe when gay people can get married, we can get married, too. 6:15 p.m. 3:40 p.m.
|
if only he'd stop wearing basketball jerseys.
